What is life's priority... Is it knowing or loving God... and is either really possible?

I recently read an article by Dan Peterson, "Reason, Experience, and the Existence of God."

In the article he addresses the question of how to come to know and love God. In doing he juxtaposes two answers to the question: "what is our first duty" or "what is the greatest commandment"

Is it:

"Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself."

Or is our first duty to God:

"Speculative reasoning which leads to knowledge of God, because He is not known intuitively or by the senses. Thus, He must be known by reflection and speculation."

Who or what is God? If the first priority is to love God and if God is not currently self-evident then the first priority is to know who it is you need to love. Put another way, someone might say that in a marriage, loving your spouse is your first priority. If you're not yet married then it clearly isn't. Your first task is finding and knowing that spouse before you can love them. So too with loving God.

The two questions above aren't really an either/or proposition. Clearly we need to conclude who God is before we can consider loving God. Whether through logic or intuition, religion invites us to know God. While many religions teach that God is a multifaceted being it seems people discover him/her/it/them in many ways, or rather only discover certain aspects or facets of him (for convenience, I'll stick with 'him').

Whether he chooses the particular aspects of himself that he wants us to discover or whether we simply select characteristics to build gods in our own image is still a question I don't have a conclusive answer to. Ultimately, it seems that neither logic nor intuition is an effective method for knowing the "true" nature of God because the process leads to so many 1000s of contradictory definitions, certainties and conclusions. To take one simple and relatively non-confrontational example, does God a body or not? He can't have both a body and not have a body. It must be one or the other. Whichever it is, millions of sincere truth seekers have used both or either logic and to reach conclusions that are in opposition. Both methods are proven unreliable by nature of the fact that both methods lead to contradictory conclusions.

Instead, it seems to me, that either logic or intuition only provide the "useful" picture or description of God. Perhaps, when we come to know and love God, we are really being guided, by ourselves or by God, to love something in or about ourselves.

Some of the interesting conclusions in the book 'How God changes your brain' is that how you see God activates or rewards certain parts of your brain, depending on your perception of him (or her/it/them). The authors' theory suggests to me that an influence on how we see God is from how we are predisposed to see him. In other words, the part of our brain that is most active or most seeking to be activated could be having an influence in how we ultimately perceive and then love God. Perhaps we are really learning to love an aspect of ourselves. I'm not saying that's a solely organic, internal process. It's quite possibly being guided by a divine external influence.

Whichever it is, it seems that neither logic nor intuition ultimately take us to a state of really "knowing" and instead guides us to state of "being." Given the fruit of "being" is widely and vastly different I return to my conclusion that the exploration of "who is God," through logic or intuition leads is to that which is useful, not that which is established to be true.

As such, the rest of the article seems a little redundant. It's arguing between two methods of "knowing" despite the fact that neither method can demonstrably lead to an absolute knowledge of what is absolutely true. It can lead to personal certainty, which we might describe as knowledge, but it really, at best, only leads to certainty.

I don't agree with Qadi ‘Abd al-Jabbar that, "Knowledge of God can only be gained by speculation with rational argument" But I'm not sure that intuition is a more effective alternative.

Talking of intuition, or revelation, as a source for knowing Dan Peterson says, "...even if we doubt that such a revelation has ever actually been received by anybody anywhere, we can easily conceive (at least in principle) of a divine self-disclosure so powerful that it would eliminate all doubt and essentially, at least for the recipient herself, render further intellectual investigation of the question of God’s existence rather frivolous."

The key to this statement is: "at least for the recipient." The experience of Blaise Pascal coming to know God is beautifully articulated: "Certitude, certitude, feeling, joy, peace."

This is really the crux of the matter. Coming to know God, particularly coming to know him through intuition, is not a matter of knowing, it's a matter of reaching personal certitude and personal peace.

Peterson goes on to give some good arguments for intuition or spiritual revelation being a far better source of knowing God than logic and reason. If a choice has to be made between the two, I can agree that intuition is a better way of coming to an understanding or conclusion of who God is and how we should love him. Logic and reason alone don't seem to be a viable way of coming to know something or someone that is so intangible and uncertain. But that doesn't mean that God should be illogical and unreasonable.

C.S. Lewis is quoted as asking, "...are we sure that He is even interested in the kind of Theism which would be a compelled logical assent to a conclusive argument?" Firstly, I would paraphrase Lewis to ask the question, "... are we sure that He is...?" If one answers "Yes," "I think so" or even "I hope so" then it would be nice to think that this conclusion of God was also logical.

I agree with Peterson's conclusion that "(r)evelation... should never be detached from rationality." I don't, however, see that even the combination of these approaches leads to anything conclusive beyond a personal perspective.

Peterson talks of the Search for Extra-Terrestrial Life (SETI) and the desire to receive radio signals for a third party source to prove, conclusively, that we are not alone in the universe. Receiving such a radio signal would prove the existence of extra-terrestrial life. "Just as," Peterson suggests, "an unmistakable revelation directly from God would render every debate about his existence moot."

This is an unfair comparison. A radio signal could be examined and tested by multiple third parties. There would be a single transmission with multiple opportunities to evaluate it and examine it. Not so with "unmistakable revelation directly from God." There are 1000s of examples of people claiming this... and yet no-one has yet produced a revelation from God that is truly unmistakable. No-one has offered a revelation that can be evaluated and examined under consistent circumstances by a third party.

Here are seven different examples of religious "radio transmissions." They are first quoted with the religious cues removed. Later they are quoted without redaction, but I think it's important to first read them without knowing the religion, scripture or deity they "know" the truth of:

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1) "I asked <DEITY NAME> for a sign to show that the <RELIGION NAME> has the whole truth...
One day, I was sitting under a tree, thinking deeply. I was trying to recall some <BOOK OF SCRIPTURE> verses on <DOCTRINE> and praying about a doubt that I had. Suddenly, a miracle happened to me. It was like a light that I could not exactly figure out. It shone on me and took away the doubt in my mind. It seemed that the darkness in my mind was lifted. The <DOCTRINE>, which I could not at first accept, suddenly became very clear me. I could then accept it with my mind and heart. Since that incident, each time I read the <BOOK OF SCRIPTURE>, that former opinion to oppose and the refusal to believe and accept were gone. Today I believe <DOCTRINE>.
...Now I know and am confident that this is the end of my search for the whole truth. I thank <DEITY NAME> for answering my prayer and giving me a sign. I have found the whole truth of my <RELIGIOUS OBJECTIVE>. Glory be given to <DEITY NAME>. <RELIGIOUS EXPRESSION>!!" 

2) "I had the feeling of waking up, as if all my previous life I had been asleep. The printed words on the page of the book seemed like the surface of a vast and fathomless ocean of truth and wisdom. Whatever it was, I knew that it was completely true and infallible. Therefore the author must also be true and infallible. The <DESCRIPTOR> book, which I still have, was <BOOK OF SCRIPTURE>." 

3) "In mid-August of 1969, I humbly knelt in the shadows behind my barracks and prayed. I told <DEITY NAME> that I had read the book that <RELIGION NAME> say is from Him. I admitted that there were some good things in it and that I wanted to know if it was true.
I closed my prayer in <DEITY NAME>. No sooner had I done so than I received the most powerful witness that I have ever experienced. It was not the answer I was seeking. But I had asked, and now I knew. <RELIGION NAME> was the only true church on the earth! I knew it; <RELIGIOUS EXPRESSION>."

4) "I will never forget <RELIGIOUS PRACTICE>. At 17 I read <BOOK OF SCRIPTURE>. But not only did I read it I thought about it's beautiful teachings of <DEITY NAME>. I then prayed sincerely to <DEITY NAME>. I asked him for that confirmation that <BOOK OF SCRIPTURE> was true. I will never forget the sweet, humbling answer that came. I knew <DEITY NAME> loved me and I knew that Yes <DOCTRINE>.  ...<DOCTRINE>. <DOCTRINE>, it's tangible. It's for everyone!  ...My testimony is real. It's mine, I have forged it out of the fire. It makes me really happy!!" 

5) "After months of study and research I could not deny the truth anymore. I had put it off too long, but was still living the life I had before, and knew that if I became a <RELIGION NAME> I had to give all that up. One day while reading <BOOK OF SCRIPTURE>, I began to cry and fell to my knees and thanked <DEITY NAME> for guiding me to the truth. I found out that there was a <RELIGIOUS BUILDING> by my house so I went one <RELIGIOUS DAY> to see how <RELIGION NAME> prayed and conducted their service... A man got up and began to <PRAY>. When I heard it my eyes filled up with tears because it sounded so beautiful. It was all so strange at first, but seemed so right at the same time. <RELIGION NAME> is not just a religion but a way of life." 

6) "As I was skeptical of anything other than the Bible, time passed before I actually began reading <BOOK OF SCRIPTURE>...  I began with <SECTION OF BOOK OF SCRIPTURE> and quickly read to where <DOCTRINE>. I was blown away. I had never heard of the things I was reading; I didn't even know that <DOCTRINE>. I already knew and loved <DESCRIPTION OF DEITY>, but through <BOOK OF SCRIPTURE> I began to fall in love with <DESCRIPTION OF DEITY>. Still, I was not convinced that <BOOK OF SCRIPTURE> was really true; I fought with my old mental tapes regarding the infallibility of the Bible - 'Thou shalt not add to...,' etc. My old beliefs were being challenged.
I put <BOOK OF SCRIPTURE> down for several months, and then a devastating thing happened. My father died in a truck/train accident on May 1, 1980. After the initial shock and grief, I was angry that <DEITY NAME> would take my father at this time of his life; he hadn't even been able to retire! Then I started reading <SECTION OF BOOK OF SCRIPTURE>. The peace I felt after reading them convinced me that the teachings in the book were genuine. They were too beautiful to be anything else.
Since then I have grown enough in understanding to realize that <DOCTRINE ABOUT DEITY NAME>. I know that my earthly father's soul <AFTERLIFE DOCTRINE>. I need not worry about his salvation. Most comforting of all, I believe that as soon as I get to <AFTERLIFE NAME> I shall see my father in person." 

7) "She told me she had come across a book that I might like, though she herself could not understand it.  [the friend tells of <BOOK OF SCRIPTURE>'s divine origin]  ...Something inside me knew that was true and I wrote down the name of the book... 

I found myself thinking about <DEITY NAME> and what little time I had given to learning about him. Suddenly, the room was filled with a warm and glowing light. I felt so strange, as if I had received the gift of faith right at that moment, as if I had been 'born again.'

...I came home and had such tremendous urges - to read <BOOK OF SCRIPTURE>, to join a church, to learn everything I could. I called different churches at random, went to the library, and got some books on <RELIGIOUS LEADER>, <BOOK OF SCRIPTURE>, world religions, <BOOK OF SCRIPTURE>, even <BOOK OF SCRIPTURE>.
That same day I called <RELIGIOUS CONTACT> and told him how I felt. He suggested I read <RELIGIOUS SCRIPTURE> but to start with <SECTION OF BOOK OF SCRIPTURE> this time. I read for about five hours without stopping and <RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE> I knew that every word I was reading was the truth. It was exciting to finally believe in something, to have faith in <DEITY NAME>!"

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I wonder how many people could read those and identify the religious scriptures and "radio signals" that delivered those experiences and certainties? Certain expressions, even after redacting, might sound familiar to a practiotioner of one religion or another. We naturally develop certain idioms that are recognisable. Outside of those, the overall conclusions and experiences, from multiple different religious practices, seem very consistent.

Before reading on, try to compare whether the personal "radio signals" are significantly different in method or conclusion.

Here are the quotes in full:

1) "I asked the Lord Jesus Christ for a sign to show that the True Jesus Church has the whole truth...
One day, I was sitting under a tree, thinking deeply. I was trying to recall some Bible verses on baptism and praying about a doubt that I had. Suddenly, a miracle happened to me. It was like a light that I could not exactly figure out. It shone on me and took away the doubt in my mind. It seemed that the darkness in my mind was lifted. The doctrine on infant baptism, which I could not at first accept, suddenly became very clear me. I could then accept it with my mind and heart. Since that incident, each time I read the Bible, that former opinion to oppose and the refusal to believe and accept were gone. Today I believe that infants must be baptized in order to be saved.
...Now I know and am confident that this is the end of my search for the whole truth. I thank the Lord Jesus Christ for answering my prayer and giving me a sign. I have found the whole truth of my salvation. Glory be given to the name of our Lord Jesus Christ. Hallelujah!!"
Religion: True Jesus Church (Source) 

2)"I had the feeling of waking up, as if all my previous life I had been asleep. The printed words on the page of the book seemed like the surface of a vast and fathomless ocean of truth and wisdom. Whatever it was, I knew that it was completely true and infallible. Therefore the author must also be true and infallible. The small red book, which I still have, was The Hidden Words."
Religion: Baha'i (Source)  

3) "In mid-August of 1969, I humbly knelt in the shadows behind my barracks and prayed. I told God that I had read the book that Latter-day Saints say is from Him. I admitted that there were some good things in it and that I wanted to know if it was true.
I closed my prayer in the Savior’s name. No sooner had I done so than I received the most powerful witness that I have ever experienced. It was not the answer I was seeking. But I had asked, and now I knew. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints was the only true church on the earth! I knew it; I dared not deny it."
Religion: LDS (Source) 

4) "I will never forget putting Moroni's challenge to the test. At 17 I read the Book of Mormon. But not only did I read it I thought about it's beautiful teachings of the Savior. I then prayed sincerely to my Heavenly Father. I asked him for that confirmation that the Book of Mormon was true. I will never forget the sweet, humbling answer that came. I knew my Heavenly Father loved me and I knew that Yes I can live with my family forever.  ...I have a Savior. Forgiveness is real, it's tangible. It' for everyone!  ...My testimony is real. It's mine, I have forged it out of the fire. It makes me really happy!!"
Religion: LDS (Source) 

 5) "After months of study and research I could not deny the truth anymore. I had put it off too long, but was still living the life I had before, and knew that if I became a Muslim I had to give all that up. One day while reading the Qur'an, I began to cry and fell to my knees and thanked Allah for guiding me to the truth. I found out that there was a Mosque by my house so I went one Friday to see how Muslims prayed and conducted their service... A man got up and began to call the Adthan (call for prayer). When I heard it my eyes filled up with tears because it sounded so beautiful. It was all so strange at first, but seemed so right at the same time. Islam is not just a religion but a way of life."
Religion: Islam (Source)

6) "As I was skeptical of anything other than the Bible, time passed before I actually began reading The Urantia Book...  I began with 'The Life and Teachings of Jesus,' and quickly read to where Jesus had reached the age of 23. I was blown away. I had never heard of the things I was reading; I didn't even know that Jesus had brothers and sisters. I already knew and loved the divine Jesus, the Son of God, but through The Urantia Book I began to fall in love with the human Jesus, the Son of Man. Still, I was not convinced that The Urantia Book was really true; I fought with my old mental tapes regarding the infallibility of the Bible - 'Thou shalt not add to...,' etc. My old beliefs were being challenged.
I put The Urantia Book down for several months, and then a devastating thing happened. My father died in a truck/train accident on May 1, 1980. After the initial shock and grief, I was angry that God would take my father at this time of his life; he hadn't even been able to retire! Then I started reading the mansion world papers. The peace I felt after reading them convinced me that the teachings in the book were genuine. They were too beautiful to be anything else.
Since then I have grown enough in understanding to realize that God does not take our loved ones, that the accidents of time just happen. I know that my earthly father's soul had plenty of 'mercy credits'. I need not worry about his salvation. Most comforting of all, I believe that as soon as I get to the mansion worlds I shall see my father in person."
Religion: Uranthian (Source)  

7) "She told me she had come across a book that I might like, though she herself could not understand it.  [the friend tells of the Urantia Book's divine origin]  ...Something inside me knew that was true and I wrote down the name of the book...
 I found myself thinking about God and what little time I had given to learning about him. Suddenly, the room was filled with a warm and glowing light. I felt so strange, as if I had received the gift of faith right at that moment, as if I had been 'born again.'
...I came home and had such tremendous urges - to read The Bible, to join a church, to learn everything I could. I called different churches at random, went to the library, and got some books on Edgar Cayce, the Dead Sea Scrolls, world religions, The Koran, even The Talmud.
That same day I called Mr. Dychko and told him how I felt. He suggested I read The Urantia Book but to start with the Jesus section this time. I read for about five hours without stopping and my Thought Adjuster must have responded because I knew that every word I was reading was the truth. It was exciting to finally believe in something, to have faith in God!"
Religion: Uranthian (Source) 

All of the above are seven of several hundred personal testimonies from dozens of different faiths collected on Testimonies of Other Faiths.

While all of those divine "radio transmission" have lead the individual to a level of certainty, none of them are conclusive beyond the recipient. If God is the source of all of those radio transmissions, then apparently he is comfortable telling people contradictory messages. He his happy teaching truth and untruth. If some of those transmissions are correct and the others are simply personal, but not divine, experiences, then whole method is flawed. Peterson claims that "certainly an indubitable and spectacular revelation would obviate the need for secular, rational proofs." Unfortunately religion, in its entire multi-millennial history, has never produced an "indubitable" transmission. It may be that the "recipient of that revelation" feel an absolute certainty - enough to entirely remove personal doubt but it bears no resemblance to a true radio signal that can be experienced and evaluated under the same circumstances by multiple different people.

In the end, knowing God and therefore loving God, becomes an entirely subjective and personal experience. Whether that understanding and therefore love of God comes through logical or intuitive methods seems immaterial.

Perhaps the whole question of knowing and loving God becomes such a subjective and intangible pursuit that it gets in the way of the second advice in Jesus' commandment - loving ones neighbour. Perhaps it's even more difficult if that neighbour's process of reaching a conclusion about God leads to such a strongly contradictory conclusion that loving the neighbour becomes difficult. Perhaps, in the end, discovering the best way to know and love humanity has far greater merit than the unreliable pursuit of creating an intangible and often contradictory image of God.

All are alike unto God - finding unity in diversity

When Samuel was asked to go and anoint the future king from among Jesse’s sons he looked at them and made certain assumptions. (Sam 16:7) “But the Lord said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature… for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart.”

Sister Chieko Okazaki was first counselor on the Relief Society General Presidency during the 1990s. In one talk in 1992 she said: 

“I’d like to teach you an important Japanese word. It’s kigatsuku.  

Kigatsuku means “an inner spirit to act without being told what to do.” …When I was just a little girl, my mother began teaching me to be kigatsuku. When she swept the floor, she would say, “Chieko, what would a kigatsuku girl do now?” Then I’d run and get the dustpan…  

(W)e can do great good when we act as an organized group… we can do great good when we act in small, informal groups… (and) we can do great good on our own—just as individuals who care enough to serve… It is the desire in individual hearts that powers not only small, individual acts of service, but also the great acts that become mass movements and even revolutions. You have that power, too.  

Are you sitting on a mat or on a polished bench? Are you wearing a sari or a three-piece suit? Are you hearing me in English or in Tagalog? It doesn’t matter. Hear the words of my heart. Feel the power that can come from your own desire to do good!

There are many ways to serve. Today I would like to talk on the service of acceptance, respect and fellowship:

In the October 2013 General Conference, Elder Gérald Caussé said:

The world in which we live is going through a period of great upheaval. Because of the increased availability of transportation, speed of communication, and globalization of economies, the earth is becoming one large village where people and nations meet, connect, and intermingle like never before… 

It is very likely that the next person converted to the gospel in your ward will be someone who does not come from your usual circle of friends and acquaintances. You may note this by his or her appearance, language, manner of dress, or color of skin. This person may have grown up in another religion, with a different background or a different lifestyle.

Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin spoke, in April 2008, of some people who stop attending church because they don’t feel like they have a place or fit in.

Some are lost because they are different. They feel as though they don’t belong. 

Perhaps because they are different, they find themselves slipping away from the flock. They may look, act, think, and speak differently than those around them and that sometimes causes them to assume they don’t fit in. They conclude that they are not needed.  

Tied to this misconception is the erroneous belief that all members of the Church should look, talk, and be alike. The Lord did not people the earth with a vibrant orchestra of personalities only to value the piccolos of the world. Every instrument is precious and adds to the complex beauty of the symphony. All of Heavenly Father’s children are different in some degree, yet each has his (or her) own beautiful sound that adds depth and richness to the whole.  

This variety of creation itself is a testament of how the Lord values all His children. He does not esteem one flesh above another, but He “inviteth them all to come unto him and partake of his goodness; and he denieth none that come unto him, black and white, bond and free, male and female; … all are alike unto God.”

Elder Uchtdorf has spoken many times about the importance of respecting each other and accepting one another. Perhaps he does so because he understands, because of his background and upbringing, what it feels like to be the outsider, the one who is being side-lined.

In April 2010 he said: 

“Unfortunately, from time to time we also hear of Church members who become discouraged and subsequently quit coming to and participating in our Church meetings because they think they don’t fit in.”

As a refugee from East Germany moving to West Germany after the second world war he was very aware of being different. He says:

When I was a young boy, during the aftermath of World War II, Germany was broken and in ruins. Many people were hungry, sick, and dying. I remember well the humanitarian shipments of food and clothing that came from the Church in Salt Lake City. To this day, I can still remember the smell of the clothing, and I can still taste the sweetness of the canned peaches.
There were some who joined the Church because of the goods they received at that time. Some members looked down on these new converts. They even called them an offensive name: Büchsen Mormonen, or “Canned-Food Mormons.” They resented these new members because they believed that once their temporal needs had been met, they would fall away.
While some did leave, many stayed—they came to church, tasted the sweetness of the gospel, and felt the tender embrace of caring brothers and sisters. They discovered “home.” And now, three and four generations later, many families trace their Church membership back to these converts.
I hope that we welcome and love all of God’s children, including those who might dress, look, speak, or just do things differently. It is not good to make others feel as though they are deficient. Let us lift those around us. Let us extend a welcoming hand. Let us bestow upon our brothers and sisters in the Church a special measure of humanity, compassion, and charity so that they feel, at long last, they have finally found home.

We are all different. We are all individuals. I revel in the reality of our diversity. But I also celebrate the underlying similarities of our values, our goals and desires. Most of the people in the world, whatever their faith tradition, want to be happy, to be comfortable, to have friendship, to better themselves and to help better others.

Elder Uchtdorf also said in April 2012:

This topic of judging others could actually be taught in a two-word sermon. When it comes to hating, gossiping, ignoring, ridiculing, holding grudges, or wanting to cause harm, please apply the following:
Stop it!
It’s that simple. We simply have to stop judging others and replace judgmental thoughts and feelings with a heart full of love for God and His children. God is our Father. We are His children. We are all brothers and sisters. I don’t know exactly how to articulate this point of not judging others with sufficient eloquence, passion, and persuasion to make it stick. I can quote scripture, I can try to expound doctrine, and I will even quote a bumper sticker I recently saw. It was attached to the back of a car whose driver appeared to be a little rough around the edges, but the words on the sticker taught an insightful lesson. It read, “Don’t judge me because I sin differently than you.”

Elder Uchtdorf’s advice could also be rephrased as: “Don’t judge me because I act differently than you… or because I dress differently, speak differently, live differently, work differently, vote differently, pray and worship differently.”

I’d like to share two experiences of learning the importance of not making judgement. Many years ago, serving a mission in Belgium, I was walking with my companion back to our apartment. Walking towards us in the opposite direction was a disheveled man. He wore dirty clothes and shoes that had so many holes they might as well have been three steps behind him. His beard and hair was messy and stretched down below his shoulders.

I felt a strong impression that I should speak to him. My instant reaction was, “don’t be silly, he’s probably homeless and will more likely than not ask you for money to feed his habit.” Again came the impression, as we drew closer, to speak to him. Again I rationalised it away, “he won’t be interested, the gospel’s not for people like him.” Finally as we were a few steps apart and about to cross, I stopped ignoring the nagging thought to speak to him and blurted out: “Bonjour monsieur, comment ca va?” He stopped and we started speaking. His name was Arthur. We asked if we could visit him later that day to share a message about Jesus Christ. He gave us his address and we went over later that day. Arthur accepted the gospel and was baptised within 4 weeks. The day before finishing my mission I heard that he was serving as the Branch Mission Leader. The story has a memorable ending, but even if his response to my initial greeting had been “non merci,” I hope it would still have reminded me to not judge by the outward appearance.

More recently, I was teaching a class at church. A man who I didn’t know sat in the corner quietly. He was wearing jeans, trainers and a hoody. He said very little during the lesson and I made some unreasonable assumptions.

Towards the end of the lesson I asked the class how the principles of the gospel positively affected their lives. He looked up and caught my eye so I invited him to share his thoughts. He said: “I was in prison not long ago. I had made some bad choices and deserved to be in there. When I got out I was determined to make my life better and to avoid the negative influences that had got me into bad situations the first time round. I’ve moved to another town and have been meeting with the missionaries. When they teach me I feel hope that I can change permanently. Coming to church helps me be with people who can be a positive influence.”

I felt humbled and a gently rebuked. This was a living example of the blessings of the gospel. The Gospel is uplifting and healing. We should accept people into our community and share the gospel with them whatever their background, experiences or appearance.

Elder Caussé’s advice on acceptance and welcoming the stranger concluded with the following:

“…reach out to anyone who appears at the doors of your Church buildings. Welcome them with gratitude and without prejudice. If people you do not know walk into one of your meetings, greet them warmly and invite them to sit with you. Please make the first move to help them feel welcome and loved, rather than waiting for them to come to you.
…During His earthly ministry, Jesus was an example of one who went far beyond the simple obligation of hospitality and tolerance. Those who were excluded from society, those who were rejected and considered to be impure by the self-righteous, were given His compassion and respect. They received an equal part of His teachings and ministry.  

For example, the Savior went against the established customs of His time to address the woman of Samaria, asking her for some water. He sat down to eat with publicans and tax collectors. He didn’t hesitate to approach the leper, to touch him and heal him. Admiring the faith of the Roman centurion, He said to the crowd, “Verily I say unto you, I have not found so great faith, no, not in Israel.” 

…I bear witness that no one is a stranger to our Heavenly Father. There is no one whose soul is not precious to Him. With Peter, I testify that “God is no respecter of persons: but in every nation he that feareth him, and worketh righteousness, is accepted with him.”

The Saviour set the example with his compassion. How would it feel to be the recipient of the Saviour’s compassion, generosity, kindness and non-judgemental attitude? 

In Luke 5 we read the famous story about the man with the palsy being lowered through the roof. Because of the traditions of the day, some of the people in the house and perhaps the man himself would have made the assumption that his sickness was a punishment for his sins or the sins of his parents. Jesus turned to him and said: “Son, thy sins are forgiven thee.” He showed complete acceptance and the charity of seeing beyond the assumptions of the day. Considering this is what motivates me to try to apply these principles more consistently in my attitudes about others.

To conclude again with the words of Nephi in 2 Nep 26:33: 

(The Lord)… doeth that which is good among the children of men; and he doeth nothing save it be plain unto the children of men; and he inviteth them all to come unto him and partake of his goodness; and he denieth none that come unto him, black and white, bond and free, male and female… and all are alike unto God

Believe what you like, but keep it to yourself

I read this quote today and initially I liked it. The more I consider it however, the less it seems to work.

A member, at any given time, may not understand one point of doctrine or another, may have a misconception, or even believe something is true that in fact is false. 

There is not much danger in that. That is an inevitable part of learning the gospel. No member of the Church should be embarrassed at the need to repent of a false notion he might have believed. Such ideas are corrected as one grows in light and knowledge. 

It is not the belief in a false notion that is the problem; it is the teaching of it to others. In the Church we have the agency to believe whatever we want to believe about whatever we want to believe. But we are not authorized to teach it to others as truth."

Boyd K. Packer
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1985/04/from-such-turn-away?lang=eng&country=gb

I welcome the principle that an apostle is happy for members to "believe whatever we want to believe." But he seems to tell us to keep it to ourselves.

Tow the party line, keep silent, support the consensus.

I sat in testimony meeting today. I wanted to share my true beliefs about the nature of God, the nature of prophetic revelation and the role of the church within the great human family. I wanted to share the deep and meaningful experiences I'd had in coming to those conclusions. But I knew they would not be welcome. While other could teach things as principles of truth because they resonated with the attending majority, my minority perspective, that doesn't align with the correlated manuals and church teaching is not to be shared.

I still got up and made only vague references. I spoke of the positive experience of attending the temple, understanding the importance of developing a personal relationship with God and receiving answers in the temple to questions and concerns whose implications I had feared but afterwards felt complete peace about. I felt the love of God and the enrichment of the Saviour's atonement.

That message was welcome. People smiled and nodded and felt the affirmation of another person confirming what they were already convinced of. One or two people thanked me for my testimony after the meeting.

Had I given greater detail I wonder whether the same reaction would have happened? I could have said I was grateful for temple attendance and answered prayers because doing so had led me to, what I consider, a divinely guided conclusion that the church is not the "only true church." That when most prophets speak, they do not speak as if God were speaking. That they often, but not always, speak good and inspiring words influenced by their scriptures, their culture, their environment and the words of other leaders. That they are able to receive the same type of divine guidance anyone else does, but not an exclusive or special communication channel with the heavens. They see through the same glass darkly as we all do and that their teachings are coloured by that glass.

I could have said that I believe in a God cares how we treat each other and how we're trying to become more godlike, but does not care what we wear, what we eat and drink, what causes we give our time and money to or who we marry... as long as those chosen behaviours uplift us and others. I could have said that black or white, male or female, straight or gay are the same in God's eyes... God sees us all as equals and is happy for each to be treated as such. That there is truth found throughout cultures and philosophies and that our gospel "fullness" was only as full as our ability to be filled and that fulfillment (or full-filled-ment) could come from many sources.

All of that are things I believe and, apparently, Elder Packer is happy for me to believe that. He just doesn't want me to share it with others, even though I believe it to be true.

I tried to suggest to a Mormon friend recently that answers came to people in different ways. That some people, like my wife, could ask for Mormon answers for years and not receive a clear answer. That the Mormon description of God and life's purpose was not satisfying or useful for all of His children. That there are many answers that equally allow people to fulfill their purpose and potential. He was adamant I was wrong. He suggested that it was not the church that was lacking but that instead it was the person who was asking in the wrong way or was not living worthy to receive the answers. When I pointed out that he was describing my wife in that broad and condemning brush stroke he acknowledged he was.

My heart hurts and I continue to feel the gap between Mormonism and me to widen. Sitting in church today felt like an endurance, not an enlightenment. The hours I spent yesterday with family, followed by cycling through country lanes and nature's beauty was far more inspiring and uplifting than the hour of testimony meeting.

I've often talked of Mormonism being like a ship that needs gradual correction. That it's better to accept slow change, by degree in order to avoid the boat capsizing or people being people tipped over the side rails. Unfortunately the slow progress of church change, couple with the rapid pace of my shifting perspectives, means there might soon be another "man overboard." Not because of the jolt of hitting an iceberg, but voluntarily jumping to swim to another shore or passing vessel.

A Thoughtful Gospel Principles. Chapter 10: The Scriptures

(I switched the lesson order around a little to make sure I could teach the Atonement on East Sunday)

God inspires people all over the world to teach good principles

Gospel Principles page 45: …From the beginning, the Lord has commanded His prophets to keep a record of His revelations and His dealings with His children. He said: “I command all men, both in the east and in the west, and in the north, and in the south, and in the islands of the sea, that they shall write the words which I speak unto them; for out of the books which shall be written I will judge the world, every man according to their works, according to that which is written”

Alma, a Book of Mormon prophet said (Alma 29:7-8): 

7 Why should I desire that I were an angel, that I could speak unto all the ends of the earth?8 For behold, the Lord doth grant unto all nations, of their own nation and tongue, to teach his word, yea, in wisdom, all that he seeth fit that they should have; therefore we see that the Lord doth counsel in wisdom, according to that which is just and true.

This teaches us that God is able to communicate to all of his children around the world, via inspired men and women. They write this down and people consider it as scripture.

God speaks to his children all over the world and they write his divine communication.

President James E. Faust succinctly said that: “God’s inspiration is not limited to the Latter-day Saints.” (First Presidency Message, “Communion with the Holy Spirit,” Ensign, Mar 2002)

Speaking in General Conference, President Howard W. Hunter taught that: “God operates among his children in all nations, and those who seek God are entitled to further light and knowledge, regardless of their race, nationality, or cultural traditions.”

(The Gospel-A Global Faith, General Conference, Oct 1991)

An August 2000 Ensign Article quoted a general authority of the church, Elder B. H. Roberts who said:

“While the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is established for the instruction of men; and it is one of God’s instrumentalities for making known the truth yet he is not limited to that institution for such purposes, neither in time nor place. God raises up wise men and prophets here and there among all the children of men, of their own tongue and nationality, speaking to them through means that they can comprehend. … All the great teachers are servants of God; among all nations and in all ages. They are inspired men, appointed to instruct God’s children according to the conditions in the midst of which he finds them.”
(Defense of the Faith and the Saints, 2 vols. (1907), 1:512–13, quoted in an Aug 2000 Ensign Article)

As members of the church we should feel very comfortable with the idea that other religions also have inspired Scriptures. Each culture is given the divine guidance needed to lead them further along the path to godliness.

We can evaluate whether a teaching is from God or not depending on where it leads. Mormon taught us a simple method for discernment:

Moroni 7:13 But behold, that which is of God inviteth and enticeth to do good continually; wherefore, every thing which inviteth and enticeth to do good, and to love God, and to serve him, is inspired of God.

Having the scriptures and having a "fullness" does not mean we know everything.

President Dieter F. Uchtdorf put it succinctly when he said: “Yes, we do have the fulness of the everlasting gospel, but that does not mean that we know everything. In fact, one principle of the restored gospel is our belief that God ‘will yet reveal many great and important things.’”
What Is Truth? CES Devotional, Jan 2013

The 9th Article of Faith states "...we believe that He will yet reveal many great and important things..." and D&C 93:18-20 says "And it shall come to pass, that if you are faithful you shall receive the fulness of the record... therefore, I say unto you, you shall receive grace for grace."

In the April 2014 General Conference President Uchtdorf also said: Sometimes we think of the Restoration of the gospel as something that is complete, already behind us—Joseph Smith translated the Book of Mormon, he received priesthood keys, the Church was organized. In reality, the Restoration is an ongoing process; we are living in it right now. It includes “all that God has revealed, all that He does now reveal,” and the “many great and important things” that “He will yet reveal.”

Are you sleeping through the Restoration

(For class, get a jug and a small and large glass)

The “fullness” of the gospel might be compared to an almost overflowing glass of water. The glass may be full, but there is still more water available from the source. The water represents God’s word and principles, given to mankind. The glass represents the current capacity of us as individuals and the church collectively to receive principles of truth. The fullness of God’s gospel is only limited by what the church’s collective practices and paradigms can receive. The more we enlarge and expand our mind and spirit, the more there will be available to us.

This means there is more to know in future but enough to consider and embrace today. As we become willing to open our minds and hearts and enlarge the capacity of our spiritual “glasses” we will receive a greater “fullness.” If we are not willing to, then the pure living waters will fill our glasses to over-flowing and we will miss out on the truths and greater "fullness" available to us.

Avoid the expectation of perfection

The scriptures are the writings of inspired men. We can embrace their words while feeling comfortable with their natural human weakness. We should not expect perfection.

The prophets of the Bible, Book of Mormon and Restoration all taught that the impact of both human fallibility and the weakness of our language lead to limitations in our knowledge and doctrine. 

Nephi’s beautiful poetry laments the challenge: “my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities.” (2 Nep. 4:16)

I take great solace and encouragement from prophets being openly and unashamedly aware of their limitations. Joseph Smith said “I do not want you to think that I’m very righteous, for I am not. There was one good man, and his name was Jesus” (Documentary History of the Church, 5:401)

As a result, the words of prophets are influenced by their weakness. The aforementioned Nephi said that “…the words which I have written in weakness will be made strong unto them; for it persuadeth them to do good.” (2 Nephi 33:4) Nephi had been taught this by his father Lehi, who he recorded as saying: “…the weakness of their words will I make strong in their faith…”  (2 Nep 3:21)

We should accept and expect scripture and the words of prophets to have mistakes. By divine design, humans are fallible. Prophets are not exempt. Mormon declares as much in the title page of the Book of Mormon: "And now, if there are faults they are the mistakes of men." The opening section of the Doctrine and Covenants (1:34) similarly says:  "...these commandments are of me, and were given unto my servants in their weakness, after the manner of their language…"

President Uchtdorf encourages us to find peace with this principle: 

“We simply do not know all things—we can’t see everything. What may seem contradictory now may be perfectly understandable as we search for and receive more trustworthy information. Because we see through a glass darkly, we have to trust the Lord, who sees all things clearly.” (What Is Truth? CES Devotional, Jan 2013)

Paul’s comments on prophesy is worth revisiting: 

“…whether there be prophecies, they shall fail… whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away… For we know in part, and we prophesy in part. But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away… For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.” (1 Corinthians 13:10) 

As President Uchtdorf points out: we still see through a glass darkly; that which is perfect is still yet to come.

Seek learning from inspired and inspiring texts

While other religions have their own, inspired texts, we embrace four volumes that we accept scripture. They are:

The Bible, The Book of Mormon, The Doctrine and Covenants, The Pearl of Great Price

(If time allows, discuss the timeline and origin of each)

We are also encouraged to search out answers and guidance from many other sources. Article of Faith 13 says: "...If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things." Through Joseph Smith, we’re taught to: "...study and learn, and become acquainted with all good books, and with languages, tongues, and people" (D&C 90:15) and to seek “out of the best books words of wisdom.” (D&C 88:118)

Gospel Principles page 49: As we read, ponder, and pray about the scriptures and ask God for understanding, the Holy Ghost will bear witness to us of the truth of these things. We will each know for ourselves that these things are true. We will not be deceived (see Joseph Smith—Matthew 1:37). We can receive the same feelings Nephi expressed when he said, “My soul delighteth in the things of the Lord; and my heart pondereth continually upon the things which I have seen and heard” (2 Nephi 4:16).

In doing this, it enables us to enlarge our capacity to receive the things of the Lord. As we grow the size of our “spiritual cup” we can also increase the question we ask and the answers we gain.

2 Nep 28:30 For behold, thus saith the Lord God: I will give unto the children of men line upon line, precept upon precept, here a little and there a little; and blessed are those who hearken unto my precepts, and lend an ear unto my counsel, for they shall learn wisdom; for unto him that receiveth I will give more; and from them that shall say, We have enough, from them shall be taken away even that which they have.

A Thoughtful Gospel Principles. Chapter 12: The Atonement

Jesus Jesus declared he is the Messiah

Isaiah 61:1-3

“…the Lord hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound;To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord… to comfort all that mourn… to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness…”

From www.mormon.org/becauseofhim

The night before His death, Jesus visited a garden called Gethsemane, just east of the walls of Jerusalem. Leaving His Apostles at the edge of the garden, He trod through the dewy grass and past gnarled olive trees, walking farther inward. He had prepared His entire life for this moment, carefully following His Father’s commands in every step of His life, in every breath He took. Now the time had come. Even as He prayed, “Father, if it be thy will, remove this cup from me,” He accepted that this was His burden, and His alone, to bear. He was the only one who could free us from the awful consequences of our sins. In the coolness of the night, He knelt and began to pray. Though we don’t fully understand how, He willingly took upon Himself our sins and sorrows, suffering in body and spirit for every sin, every sadness, every mistake and imperfection of every single one of us. The pain that came was crushing, exquisite and infinite. Blood oozed from His pores as this impossibly heavy weight caused Him to tremble with pain. The cruelties of the next day have echoed throughout the ages: the cries of “Crucify Him!” as He stood before Pilate, wrists bound like a common criminal… At the summit of Golgotha, soldiers stretched Jesus’ arms along a wooden cross. Their hammers clanged dully as they drove thick nails into His palms and wrists... Tired, sweaty, bloodied, Jesus did only what a Redeemer could do: He forgave His murderers, comforted the criminal suffering next to Him, and trusted in His Father. When His sacrifice was complete, Jesus willed Himself to die as only God’s Son could do. He gave up the ghost, but His death wasn’t an end. It was the beginning for all of us. The empty tomb in that Jerusalem garden is a reminder that when the women who so lovingly cleaned, anointed, and wrapped his body came to observe the tomb, His body was gone, and in His place were two angels… “He is not here: for He is risen.”

 The church has released a new video emphasising the effect on both the next life and this life:

We often talk of the eternal impact of Christ’s sacrifice. We sometimes emphasise that it helps us live again with God in the next life. I want to focus the lesson on the very real and immediate effect of the atonement: the chance to live again today.

In John 10:10 Jesus said: “I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.”

In the March 2011 Ensign, Geoge Bonnet, an aid worker in Burundi, Rwanda and Somalia wrote:

There’s no doubt that the world’s conditions create many forms of despair, but none are beyond the reach of the Redeemer to heal. All of us can have the sure hope that through the Atonement of Christ our hearts can be bound up and made whole. With this knowledge, I could go on in my work, knowing that His efforts always succeed.

Elder Boyd K. Packer spoke of the importance of the Atonement now during the April 2001 conference:

For some reason, we think the Atonement of Christ applies only at the end of mortal life to redemption from the Fall, from spiritual death. It is much more than that. It is an ever-present power to call upon in everyday life. When we are racked or harrowed up or tormented by guilt or burdened with grief, He can heal us. While we do not fully understand how the Atonement of Christ was made, we can experience “the peace of God, which passeth all understanding.” 

…If Christ had not made His Atonement, the penalties for mistakes would be added one on the other. Life would be hopeless. But He willingly sacrificed in order that we may be redeemed. And He said, “Behold, he who has repented of his sins, the same is forgiven, and I, the Lord, remember them no more.” (D&C 58:42, Hebrews 17:10)

 Terryl Givens, a writer for the church, taught that we are natural products of our own choices but that through the process of choice and change we can try and try again to be better people. He said the following:

We are… the product of our own choices. God’s role in our salvation is to maximize our opportunities to choose… with a knowledge of what we are choosing, and the guarantee that our choices entail predictable consequences. The atonement allows us to choose, and then choose again, as often as we in good faith (that is, with sincere moral purpose) persevere in reorienting our moral compass according to True North.

The Book of Mormon tells the story of a man, Alma, who discovered the impact of embracing the principles of the atonement in life, not just in death (Alma 36).

Alma had an experience that made him realise the impact of his negative behaviour on other people and on himself. He realised that sin is the negative choices that are hurtful to ourselves, to others and to our relationship with God.

He said “I saw that I had rebelled against God.” He realised his example had led many people “away unto destruction.” He imagined, at that moment, having to meet God and the thought of it “did rack my soul with inexpressible horror.”

The pain of this negative behaviour on others made him want to stop existing completely. This wasn’t a fleeting grief. He says that “for three days and for three nights was I racked, even with the pains of a damned soul.”

And then something changed… while he was “racked with torment” he suddenly remembered a lesson taught by his father about “the coming of one Jesus Christ, a Son of God, to atone for the sins of the world.”

When he thought of this he said, in his heart, “O Jesus, thou Son of God, have mercy on me, who am in the gall of bitterness, and am encircled about by the everlasting chains of death. And now… when I thought this, I could remember my pains no more; yea, I was harrowed up by the memory of my sins no more. And oh, what joy, and what marvelous light I did behold; yea, my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain!”

Alma’s reaction to this wonderful experience was to celebrate it and share it. He worked, from that time forward, to help other people “…taste of the exceeding joy of which I did taste; that they might also be born of God, and be filled with the Holy Ghost… and… the Lord doth give me exceedingly great joy in the fruit of my labors.”

Like Elder Packer and many other religious writers, I don’t understand how the atonement works, but it doesn't matter to me. I wasn't there 2000 years ago. I didn't see him die, I didn't see the empty tomb. I can't know for certain what happened and how it worked. Even though I don’t know how it works, I know that it does work. 

I also don’t know for certain what happens after we die. I have a sincere hope that the atonement will work to enable our eternal opportunities. What I can be sure of is the effect of applying the principles of the atonement today. The atonement teaches us to recognise negative behaviour and the consequences on ourselves and others; feel genuine regret for the impact of that behaviour; make changes to rectify those impacts on ourselves and others; seek and feel forgiveness; embrace the opportunity to put the past behind us and keep moving forward to develop our best possible self.

The church website shared an article with the youth by Brad Wilcox. He spoke of embracing the atonement today when he said:

When a young pianist hits a wrong note, we don’t say he is not worthy to keep practicing. We don’t expect him to be flawless. We just expect him to keep trying. Perfection may be his ultimate goal, but for now we can be content with progress in the right direction. Why is this perspective so easy to see in the context of learning piano but so hard to see in the context of learning heaven? Too many are giving up… because they are tired of constantly feeling like they are falling short. They have tried in the past, but they continually feel like they are just not good enough. They don’t understand grace. There should never be just two options: perfection or giving up… Growth and development take time. Learning takes time. When we understand grace, we understand that God is long-suffering, that change is a process, and that repentance is a pattern in our lives. When we understand grace, we understand that the blessings of Christ’s Atonement are continuous and His strength is perfect in our weakness (see 2 Corinthians 12:9). When we understand grace, we can, as it says in the Doctrine and Covenants, “continue in patience until [we] are perfected” (D&C 67:13). God’s grace is sufficient. Jesus’s grace is sufficient. It is enough. It is all we need. Don’t quit. Keep trying. Don’t look for escapes and excuses. Look for the Lord and His perfect strength. Don’t search for someone to blame. Search for someone to help you. Seek Christ, and, as you do, you will feel the enabling power and divine help we call His amazing grace.

This process is part of an ongoing elevation. Growing in this life does, ultimately, lead to a hope of being able to grow in the next life. In an August 2012 talk, Elder Tad R. Callister quoted the writer C. S. Lewis who said:

God is not merely mending, not simply restoring a status quo. Redeemed humanity is to be something more glorious than unfallen humanity would have been…  And this super-added glory will, with true vicariousness, exalt all creatures… The command Be ye perfect is not idealistic gas. Nor is it a command to do the impossible. He is going to make us into creatures that can obey that command. He said that we were “gods” and He is going to make good His words. . . . The process will be long and in parts very painful; but that is what we are in for. Nothing less. He meant what He said. 

I’m not afraid anymore

For several months, there have been two things that I’ve been afraid of missing out on if leaders at church discovered the ‘real me’ and took away my temple recommend. I have wanted to go through an endowment session with the new film and I’ve been looking forward to attending my sister and brother in law’s temple sealing.

Today I got to do both and now I feel a freedom to be completely authentic. The things that matter most to me are mine to cherish. The church can’t take those from me. I’m not afraid anymore.

I went through an endowment session for the first time in over two years. I have long-loved the temple experience and the time living in China made attendance difficult.

The endowment I experienced today represented the positive changes the church is trying to make while also being limited in the extent it can evolve by its heritage and written texts.

The endowment session was bitter-sweet. It was bitter because the script was unchanged. Eve retains the same subservience and silence in later parts of the story as previous films. For my wonderfully independent and intelligent wife, daughter and mother this suddenly, perhaps for the first time, upset me. I choked up and wiped tears from my eyes a couple of times at the implicit message the endowment script gives to the women of the church. I hope that one day it is changed.

If the endowment were written today I don’t believe it would be included. Brigham Young once said, “When God speaks to the people, he does it in a manner to suit their circumstances and capacities… I will even venture to say that if the Book of Mormon were now to be re-written, in many instances it would materially differ from the present translation. According as people are willing to receive the things of God, so the heavens send forth their blessings.” There are still things taught in our church today that don’t “suit our circumstances” and are stuck in the past.

That’s the church’s challenge. We can’t simply throw our passed texts and leaders away wholesale. They are our origins and foundation. As much as I would welcome it, fast change would be too unsettling for too many people. My desire for change does not extend to the disregard for the spiritual welfare of my friends. Change, unfortunately, has to be slow, to be accepted.

But change is happening and visible. Today’s endowment session represented that and it was ‘sweet.’ One of the couples in the prayer circle was mixed race. Less than 60 years ago, the First Presidency would have called their marriage “repugnant” and against the Church doctrine. The session officiator, who at times represents God and a priesthood leader, was black. Only 36 years ago he wouldn’t have been in the temple at all.

Beyond the participants, the portrayal of Eve in the new film is perhaps a self-contained analogy of the church’s attempt to move forward and give women a more positive part in the church. With no change in her words, a different message was conveyed. Eve was an empowered and an active participant in choosing the elevation of mortality’s opportunities and progressing out of Eden’s limitations. More could have been changed, and I hope it will one day, to have put her on an equal footing to Adam. Baby steps will become giant leaps when we look with hindsight in the future.

Despite the appreciated evidence of change I also went with a desire to reach a resolution. As I sat through the endowment, and aware that I would see my sister sealed later in the day, I felt a deep peace. I have felt a growing disengagement with the church structural organisation and instead a desire to have a more meaningful connection with people I care about and with God. During the ordinance, I considered how the endowment is symbolically an upward trajectory.

In a 1977 devotional, Ezra Taft Benson lists the covenants made in the temple as: “the law of obedience and sacrifice, the law of the gospel, the law of chastity, and the law of consecration.” (As an aside: I actively disagree with the politics in the speech, but appreciate the open reference to temple covenants that are otherwise kept excessively secret).

I was speaking to a missionary earlier this week. He said that every lesson their president teaches revolves around obedience. I suggested that God was not really interested in obedient children and far more interested in optimal children. Obedience is a way of establishing good habits which, in turn, create strong character. Obedience isn’t the end, it’s the beginning. The same could be said in the temple. We start with obedience but progress towards accepting the law of consecration, even if we don’t currently live it, and in doing so commit to “building up the kingdom of God and establishing Zion on the earth” (see here and here).

During the endowment I felt a growing ability and willingness to serve the God I believe by serving other people. As an April 1993 New Era article taught, “…the temple reminds us of the person we ought to be.” I feel I am becoming the person God wants me to be. I also felt a genuine peace with the decision to not look to a human intermediary for finding ways to do that. I appreciate what religious leaders and thinkers can teach me, but I don’t want to be dependent on them. Ultimately, the endowment teaches that we can only follow the council of church leaders for a certain time. In the end, at the end, they make way and we commune directly with God, the best source of truth. The pamphlet, Preparing to enter the Holy Temple, suggests that as we progress “toward the veil” in the temple, we are “instructed and enlightened on matters of spiritual importance.” The endowment experience teaches that there are some things that we can only learn from communing directly with God and that answers are not available from other people. It teaches that we need to develop independence.

So where does that leave me? Or lead me? As I moved into the Celestial room I carried with me a resolution and sense of conclusion. For over two years I have described myself as: “unconcluded.” I realised that the endowment session had felt like a conclusion. President Monson was right when he said, in April 2011, “In this sacred sanctuary we will find peace; we will be renewed and fortified.”

I wanted to confirm and apply my conclusion before leaving. I found a chair in the corner of the room and, having spent two years “studying it out in my mind,” sought confirmation. The February 2014 Ensign suggests that, “Once we have studied an issue thoroughly—including the scriptures and the words of our leaders—we can then pray about our decision with confidence that the Lord will guide us.” Regarding this process Elder S. Dilworth Young said, in April 1976, “…according to his wisdom, his word will come into my mind through my thoughts, accompanied by a feeling… which cannot be described, but the nearest word we have is ‘burn’ or ‘burning.’ Accompanying this always is a feeling of peace.”

Sitting in the chair I offered up a prayer to seek this simple confirmation that my conclusion was acceptable to God. My conclusion may surprise, given the experience I’d just, had but is important to me.

As I prayed, the words came naturally, the culmination of hundreds, perhaps even hours of study and consideration. I felt complete peace and spiritual confirmation – a burning in the bosom – as I prayed and expressed the following:

“The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is not the only true church, but it is a church that contains truth. It is not better than or more superior to other religions but is a good way of working towards greater godliness. Other religious expression is equally valid. The Church is not the kingdom of God on earth but gives us tools and teachings to become a part of the kingdom of God. It is not Zion, but helps us build Zion. It is not the church of the Lamb but is part of it and helps us be a follower of the Lamb… just as other churches also do.

There have been inspired prophets through the ages who are able to teach with clarity and inspiring words, despite seeing through a glass darkly. I consider Joseph Smith to have been one of them, despite his challenges and natural human limitations.

The leaders today are not teaching or talking “as if God were speaking.” They are well-meaning and often give good advice but their manner of receiving divine guidance is very similar to the inspiration received by the rest of the membership.

Obedience is not the ultimate objective. Becoming our very best selves and helping other become the same is a better one. I do not believe that what we eat and drink, what we wear, what money we pay, which meetings we go to really matter. I believe that what matters most is the way we treat each other. Compassion and charity matter most.

I also believe that all are equal in your eyes: Male and female, black and white, gay and straight, rich and poor, homeless and housed. Unity in and acceptance of diversity are godly virtues.

I recognise that being part of the Mormon community means certain behaviours are an expectation and help the individual be better involved the group. Compassion and consideration should also extend to my friends and acquaintances at church. I won’t actively impose my perspectives but will also be entirely genuine in my own views and beliefs. A balance of respect and authenticity is important. I want to build up, not break down.

This conclusion could lead me further from Mormonism as I work on a more meaningful spirituality. I have never sought to leave the church. That’s not the objective. I am happy to worship in this faith community and have enough friends to feel comfortable doing so. I am uplifted by many of the perspectives and experiences in the LDS faith. At the same time I’m not bound to it. My covenants are with you, God, not with the church. There may be times when a Sunday is better used for other forms of service and spiritual uplift with my family.

My personal spiritual development is not dependent on membership in an earthly organisation but on a willingness to continue pursuing the best and most positive course as it is unveiled to me. While it may result in less frequent attendance at LDS meetings, it isn't a forgone conclusion. I will go where I feel you want me to go.

For this reason, the church organisation and leaders can’t threaten or take anything of significance. If they now, or in future, choose to take my recommend and or even my membership then I would miss the worship experience found in Mormon holy places, but would still keep the things of most important to me. I retain and respect my commitments to you, to consecrate my time to the best ways to serve you by serving others. My home and family is the best place to start.

I don’t feel confused or deceived or misguided. I feel gently and genuinely guided.

I’m not afraid anymore.”

Throughout this prayer and thought process I felt a constant peace. I felt increasing internal light.

Several years ago I experienced a “stupor of thought” during prayer and wondered if I might feel the same mental block when praying about something that some Mormons might consider wrong without even needing to ask. Instead I felt clarity, not confusion.

While praying, I felt the same spiritual witness, or burning in the bosom, as I have felt at other significant times in my life. A prayer of a 10-year-old about the Book of Mormon in 1988, the plea for reconciliation with God and His approval on an Italian mountain top in 2011, the feeling of standing on holy ground in a Buddhist cave temple in Thailand in February 2013 and the change in prophet paradigm on a pagoda overlooking bamboo covered Chinese mountains in July 2013.

I feel complete peace with my conclusions. I feel concluded. I feel able to move on and carry on.

I’m at peace and I’m not afraid any more.